Is it worth it?

The 'Thinking Ahead' part of the RAFT process is always the most difficult for me. I do not, for the most part, enjoy change. Often it is hard for me to imagine what our 'new' life will be like. How new relationships, though different, may be as special as the old. How a new house will one day feel familiar as home. How this new work, with it's own struggles and joys, will be as fulfilling as what we have done. How a new place, a new country, a new culture will one day have its own place in my heart. It's easier to live in the nostalgia of the past. To be quite honest, I have not been ready to 'move on', mentally, physically or emotionally until the last few days. I guess God knew I needed this buffer of time between lives to process and refocus.

Moving is always hard. Moving internationally comes with its own set of compounded difficulties. So many things you have to think about tying off in person before you leave... so many details to think about for the future. The last couple months have been full of 'drama' for lack of a better word... one situation after another. Here are a few of the situations we have been dealing with both before and after leaving Cochabamba.

*For better or worse, we made the decision to take our dogs with us to Ecuador. It was a decision based solely on the children. Jana loves the dogs. When we arrived back in August, she was outside all the time, playing with them, loving on them. We decided that it might be one other 'constant', another tie to our lives in Bolivia, one less goodbye for them to say. So we checked into all the details of transporting them, talked to the airlines on several different occasions, got their shots and papers in order 2 weeks before we left, bought kennels and ran all over town trying to find the water bottles the airline required. Everything seemed to be in order. The dogs flew with us to Santa Cruz and we were all set to go... Josh would fly with us to Miami and then to Quito with the dogs (where they would stay with his folks) to receive the container, while the girls and I continued on to my parents in Detroit. We arrived at the airport with 3 children, 2 dogs and 8 bags and I could tell by the look on Josh's face that something was wrong as he was checking in. He came to inform me that 2 weeks prior to our flight, AA had changed their policy and no longer allowed pug-nosed dogs to travel. We had bought our tickets 3 months prior... would they honor the tickets? No... no allowances. What to do? Pregnant wife is an emotional basket case... trying to hold it together for the kids, and doing a terrible job of it. 2 hours before our flight left. We checked into Josh flying with the dogs on another airline and just eating the cost of his AA ticket.... and ran into problem #2. Bolivian immigration would not allow the girls and I to board our AA flight without Josh. In Bolivia, there is a law that one parent traveling alone with a child must have a signed, notarized permission form from the other parent, approved by a judge, to travel outside of the country. Since we were all traveling together, we didn't get those forms, and even though Josh was there in person, telling immigration the situation and that we could travel without him, they would not let us on board the plane without him. No mercy... no allowances. 1 hour before our flight leaves.... what to do?!?! Our 2 dogs are sitting at the airport in their kennels... and we have a plane to catch. We start calling any and all of our contacts in Santa Cruz.... finally get a hold of an elder and his wife in one of the churches there... can they come to pick up the dogs? Praise God for friendships in Jesus. They agreed. We left the dogs, boarded our plane with not a minute to spare. I cried for about the first half-hour of the flight.

*Situation #2. As much as we would have like to take our car with us to Ecuador (it really was the perfect car for our family and for mission work!), it was logistically impossible to import/export it to Ecuador. We were very thankful to find buyers without even having to advertise... the Christian camp where we have held our family camps for 3 years told us they wanted to buy it. We asked if they could wait until 2 weeks before we left, so we could continue to use it. The day we had set for signing the papers arrived... problem number one: they didn't have the money together, could we wait till the week before we left? We agreed. A week passed... problem number two: their mission board decided they wanted to do an in depth police check on the car. We were very perturbed. Why did they have to wait till the week before we left to decide this? They had known for 3 months they were going to purchase the vehicle. The police check would not be able to be accomplished before we left the country. But at that point, what could we do? There was no time to find another buyer. We quickly prepared a power of attorney to allow a brother in the church to sell the car for us. The next week, after we had arrived in the US, we got a call. Something was very wrong. Even though all of our papers were in order, the police had 'discovered' that the car was a stolen vehicle (most likely stolen years ago and then brought across the border into Bolivia), the original number had been filed off and replaced. So although we had papers leading back to the first original owner in Bolivia (the car had been owned by 3 previous owners) and when we purchased the car everything appeared to be in order, when the missions board insisted on the in-depth police check, they turned up this discrepancy. The car was impounded with no realistic chance of getting it released or being able to sell it... and just like if you get stuck with a fake $100 bill and it's perforated in front of you.... your loss... we got to say goodbye to $12,000. We were sick.

*Situation #3. We decided to ship a 20 ft. container of personal items and some household goods to Ecuador. A month before we left, we packed up our house, jumped through all the hoops to get all the papers in order, loaded the container, and sent it off. The plan being that the container would arrive in Ecuador, Josh would be able to fly there and get the paperwork started to release it before Christmas, and our things would be waiting for us upon our arrival in March. Everything seemed to go fine, more or less, that first week. Josh has described the process as a bit of a scavenger hunt... go here and get this signature... go there and buy this envelope... get this document notarized... get colored, notarized, translated, apostilized, and consulized copies of your family's passports (seriously!)... Every day it seemed like some new requirement. And then, middle of January, we got an email from the agent helping us, saying that the had changed their policy at the beginning of the new year (again!) and the owner of the container was now required to be physically present, with a visa in hand, for the release of the container, or they would ship our stuff back to Bolivia. So we rushed around getting all our papers in order... made a fast trip to Chicago to get our visas (which came through... praise the Lord!)... and sent Josh off for the 2nd time to Ecuador to secure the release of our things. After 10 days of more running around and paperwork, they released our container and our things, as of Sunday, have now arrived safely at Josh's parents house in Quito.

And in the midst of all of these situations (and other smaller ones besides), we have been in the process of fundraising, which as several people have said in the past, is anything but 'fun'! And there is no end in sight, even though we leave for Ecuador in less than 2 weeks.

A part of me has been wondering over the past few weeks whether this transitory life is worth it. Would it not be easier to come back to the country where you are a citizen... to find a job still serving the Lord (but without the need to fundraise your own salary)... to buy a car and a house on credit... to have free good public schools (in most places) or the community and resources to really pursue quality homeschooling... Is it worth it? All the things you give up in both going and coming... all the losses you face? Call it a personal pity party if you will. But as a very wise counselor told me in Brazil, God will be God. He has been stripping away many of my confidences and my securities to remind me that it is all about Him. We have been studying the book of Luke in Bible class on Sunday morning and the book of Romans in ladies Bible class on Tuesday, and every week, through so many passages of Scripture, He has gently reminded me how much he gave up for me... humbly bringing me to the realization that the things that I have given up are really very minute indeed... that they are simply the only response to what He has done for me. And that what I have gained - in relationships, in experiences, and most of all in my walk with Him - is invariably, invaluably so much more. That His grace and mercy have brought me into relationship with Him... and that is all that is needed. Everything else on my part results from the natural, overflowing gratefulness of that relationship with Him. Not that I feel like He has negated my feelings... or that it has become somehow miraculously easier. I feel like the Spirit's quiet presence has acknowledged my struggles, and yet redirected me into a more humble posture before him... He loves me so much, how can I give anything less than my all to him? I feel like I don't have the words to describe the quiet, gentle prodding that He has given me during this time here in Livonia. Prodding to look back with thankfulness... and move on to serve with gratefulness.

So is it worth it? Yes, He is worth it... because I was worth it to Him.