Meditations on Life and Death

On Sunday it was my turn to share the devo during our monthly ladies reunion after church. I was daunted by the task. What do you say during times like this? When you have mothers sitting in front of you who have lost a child or suffered along with their child, caring for them physically and weeping with them in their emotional recovery? It was a first for me and I did not feel equal to the task. I have not even felt up to sharing my own personal thoughts and struggles here... and yet, preparing for this devo has allowed me for the first time to process on a personal level my own thoughts and feelings.

So I decided to share from what I have been reading lately - in the moments I've been able to glean from the craziness of what life has been lately - which sadly to say have been few and far between. In times like this, I always turn to the Psalms.

Psalm 13:1-2
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my ennemy triumph over me?

Praise God that we have a God who is big enough to handle our questions. Whose character does not change because we question His person, His purposes, His plan. Who does not turn us away in our doubt.

Why did God see fit to save my husband with only minor injuries - although I am eternally grateful to Him for doing so - and allow 3 young girls to die instead? Why does he number some with only a few short days or years, and others with a lifetime? Why is it that so many people in this world have to suffer so much... and others not?

I have felt like this event has triggered in me a sensitivity or recognition of the suffering all around me -how easily we become calloused- that the weight of the world has been laid in some small way on my heart. From the tears and pain of those in the accident, to the little girl the same age as Jana that Josh saw brought into the forensics office - physically and sexually abused by her parents, to the little old Quechua man I passed on the road - bent over, unshod feet wrapped up against the cold, to the driver of the bus - 22 years old, spending his life in a 3rd world prison, to even the minor sicknesses and injuries of my own children. How does God bear it? How does He see the sin and sorrow of the world every second of every day? Maybe because He can see the big picture - the past, the present and the future. Maybe because He knows the price has already been paid for sin, the battle already fought, that we are just awaiting the response of mankind and the redemption of all things (Romans 8).

Psalm 13:3-4
Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foe will rejoice when I fall.

This has been my prayer, "Give light to my eyes." And in some small way, it has been answered. It has been interesting as well as sad to see the reactions of the community around us. A very Bolivian response to tragedy, I think influenced in part by both Catholic and a fatalistic worldview (although maybe too it is just a normal human response), is to look for the 'sin' that caused the suffering. Just as Jesus' disciples asked him in John 9, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" And Jesus' reponse... "Neither this man for his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.... I am the light of the world." One only has to look at many stories and teachings in the Bible to see that suffering is part of the life of servants of God... Joseph, Job, the prophets, Paul, and ultimately - Jesus himself. I remember Joshua attending an Orthodox Jewish synagogue the Sunday after Mel Gibson's "The Passion" was premiered. The rabbi's lecture focused on the movie, and on Christianity's great misunderstanding of God: God does not bring suffering to those he loves, only blessing. Both Joshua and I were astounded at his blatant misinterpretation of many Biblical passages.

I have turned again to the book of Job as well during this time. The cosmic battle fought between Satan and God over the faithfulness and righteousness of the suffering servant, using the life of Job as the battlefield. One seeking to destroy the faith of the servant, hoping that he would deny the character and supremity of God. The other seeking to prove that mankind could prove his love and trust in God, even when tried by the gravest of circumstances, by remaining faithful. Job, on his part, never understood the larger story. He questioned God, but never denied Him. In the end, the only answer that God gave Job is that "I am God." And Job remained speechless before Him.

During our grief/debrief session on Saturday, something that Joanne said struck me profoundly. In response to a question about whether a parent's sin had caused their child to suffer, she simply said, "I do not believe in a God, who would send his own Son to suffer and die for me, would then turn around and punish my child for my sin." Now this is not to say that certain sins do not have far-reaching consequences on those around us. But we do not serve a capricious God (see Ezekiel 18). We simply live in a fallen world: accidents happen, natural disasters occur, people sin, death is a part of life on earth, evil abounds.

Psalm 13: 5
But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.

And what else can we do or say at times like this? Trust in His love, rejoice in His salvation. I have found consolation as well in many passages from Paul's second letter to the Corinthians... But considering my prayer, "Give light to my eyes", I found special meaning in 2 Cor. 4:6-10. "For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destoyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." Ultimately our hope is in the salvation that comes through the death and resurrection of Jesus. That is what carries us through suffering. And our confidence in his love - demonstrated to us on the cross. And the hope of eternal life - where there are no tears, no sorrow, no pain.

Psalm 13:6
I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.

As I started to get the first fuzzy phonecalls about the accident, it was hard to know how to respond. When I hung up the phone after talking with Katie, when we found out that it had been a very serious accident and probably that some had died, I remember thinking, "What if this is true? What if I've lost him? How can I do this? How can I live this life without my husband - my best friend, my lover, my parenting parter - by my side? How can I raise these girls that God has given us without him?" I can't begin to express how glad I am that I don't have to live out the reality of those questions at this point in my life. I am so grateful that God saw fit to spare him. And yet none of us know the number of our days. It could be that we only have a day, or a week, or a year, or 5 years.... I will be thankful for every day that we have, and know that if that particular form of suffering ever does come my way, that God is still God, and that He will be by my side.

God has been good to me. And yet, I can't help but think of the passage in Luke 12:48, "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." God has given me back my husband... and so we will continue to serve him, continue to follow him, continue to do what He asks of us. And perhaps in some small way we will not only be glorfying our God, but we will also be paying tribute to the lives of 3 young girls. May God help each of us as we continue our search to draw closer to Him through each and every circumstance.